my best version is my worst version

all of 36 kilos, i walked stealthily and furtively across the streets always in the shadows. i didn’t know what or who i was hiding from, but it just felt natural to stay far from the madding crowd. i wasn’t afraid of anyone. on the contrary people crossed the road, in fear and revulsion at the sight of me.

if you were one of then you’d have done the same. this was me at my worst. rock-bottom isn’t pretty and heroin does quite the number on you. in the words of Taleb

The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.

seeing that i’ve only ever been addicted to one of those three, i’m probably better off than most of the world’s population. but i’m not here to talk about addiction. it’s my worst version that i’m here to proudly parade.

the best ever

but you might rather want to meet this version of me. the best ever. strong. capable. powerful. charismatic. compassionate. generous. affable. assertive.

people are strange. nobody likes a leader. but when the chips are down, everyone runs towards one. i fit the type A stereotype easily and effortlessly worn the crown with élan.

but there’s no dearth of successful stories to study and emulate in the world around us. though i think it’s useful to study the best and learn from their chosen path, i would not.

i want to look at the other side of the mirror. today i’m at my best, and i’m confident and capable enough to take on the worst life can throw at me. but that’s exactly what makes it easy. the fact that i’m at my best.

in the middle of a worldwide pandemic, i’m independent and at ease. i’m isolated yet connected. i have support of friends and family should i need it. in exactly the way i want it. i’m healthy and fit. mentally sharp and sane (by my standards, fuck the DSM) and spiritually loving and lovable.

the worst ever

but what if i were at my worst? financially dependent. lonely. paranoid of the possibility of death looming around the corner. untrusting of friends and family. manic at times and depressed at others. incapable of loving myself let alone others. all this inside the 36 kilo body we’ve already pictured. (think ET. skinny body. bulging eyes. but not cute)

i’m not this version of me but every single day i’m visualising how this version of me would survive in the present situation. whatever strategies and tactics i use in my life are designed to be executed by the worst version of myself, not the best version of me.

you don’t have to hit rock-bottom and live there like i did to realise you have a worst version too. what’s he or she like? if they are still around (they always are) how would they play through your current life challenges?

i’m living my life gregariously today but i’m keenly aware of how that isolated version of me would feel in this situation and how i could make things easier for him if i were to suddenly find myself back in that state.

my recent knee injury brought me face to face with another worst version which was handicapped and incapacitated. how could i be still feel empowered and have fun?

the challenge is to be at my worst and still jump into the game to play!

the next time you feel like shit, this is your mission, should you choose to accept it. for whether or not you win the day, victory is reserved only for those who play.