why i'm 'building' an audience

building an audience is something that’s always made me cringe, and i’d avowed to never walk that path of building, and pandering to an audience. but what if i can build an audience and not pander to the whims of the vacuous mob?

fuck the world!

there you have it! my disdain for humanity just revealed it’s ugly self. i’ve always thought of the people of the world as empty headed and driven entirely by herd instincts. so when i received the appreciation of people around me, i never appreciated it. instead i rejected it and in time began to avoid it.

of course my craving for individual attention, affection, appreciation, and applause also suffered as a result. and what fun is that to not have any connection or interaction with another living being? took me many years before the lesson hit home but here’s where i am today, looking for love.

that still didn’t resolve the dilemma of audience building. if i really cared for and loved people then why should i build an audience and hold them captive to do my bidding? by handing over your email address, your soul is now mine. i will henceforth ‘con’vince you to buy what i’m selling. snake oil or nirvana, what difference does it make anyway? so in my mind, selling was a con job as nothing in this world has any value anyway, does it?

but, i’m priceless

well, if my sense of self worth is off the charts, how can i decide a value to price myself at? growing up, i’ve always had delusions of grandeur and imagined myself above all else, including that pesky concept that’s omnipresent in all aspects of life; god.

you can imagine how hard it is for one of such lofty perception to mingle with the hoi polloi. so while the rest of the world suffers from imposter syndrome, here i am gloating in the glory of my imaginary divinity. thus, my problem is how can i possibly lower myself to the level of mere mortals and share my infinite wisdom with them for a pittance?

if only the world were to submit to me and dance to my every whim, they would be saved. they would be delivered from their misery. come dance with me, you struggling and suffering souls. taste the freedom and frolic of my madness, let it liberate you from your morbid, mundane existence. i’ve chosen to stay on earth for now, not to save you but to watch you squirm as you struggle through this journey we call life.

puny god

like Loki got his comeuppance at the hands of Hulk, i too tasted the bitterness of humble pie as i fell from grace into the depravity of addiction. from the all knowing, all encompassing god, i found myself down at rock bottom. from soaring through the heavens, i was now living at 10G!

when you’re quite literally feeling the weight of the world, everyone else who’s a run of the mill, garden variety human looks like they’re dancing in a ballet. lithe, footloose and fancy free while you struggle in the chains of your own making. the knowledge that you are the captor and the captive only weighs heavier than the ignorance of not knowing how you ended up here.

but with every step, my power grew. with every step, i was stronger than i was before. with every step, i summoned the strength of yore. with every step, the humility of the earth empowered me to climb even higher. to grow in resolve. to celebrate with conviction. to echo screams from the guttural bowels of hell. why did i even seek to soar high when the rootedness of the earth bore such preciousness?

support is the system

in finding my support system, i realized a greater truth; that support is the system we build greatness upon. the keyword here being neither support nor system but ‘we’, a word i’d always avoided, evaded, and abhorred. 

the audience that i claimed to avoid is not apart from myself. it is me, and you reading this right now are equally a part of me, as i am a part of you. and together we are the ‘we’, a collective in harmony if we care and in conflict if we don’t. regardless, the audience isn’t something i build or summon. it’s an affirmation that we’re all connected in one way or another. and i will attract more towards me, by doing nothing but be myself, in my rawness and realness.

scale is leverage

why would i want to attract an audience? i just want to relate deeply with another. a single individual outside of myself. having understood and savored the support of a single soul and the surrounding system, i feel the need to offer the same support back to others, both as an individual soul and a supportive system.

but again i argue with myself; i don’t want to change the world, i just want to change myself. the counter however is that i need another to tell me if i’ve changed. and the other needs me to change, to inspire change in themselves.

but what if i’m focusing my energy on an individual who doesn’t want to change even if they desperately need to? should i force myself upon them? should i struggle to offer help when it is rejected? should i strive to convince them that they need help? should i build a support system around an individual who will sabotage my efforts rather than embrace it?

and the silliest thing here is that the energy being wasted in offering and rejecting help can be utilized in a direction of need and openness to accept. but how would i find such a person who’s need for help matches my desire to help? aha! now here’s where i can leverage the audience i’m attracting. from the millions who orbit around me, some will enter and some will exit. but only one may ever truly, deeply and gratefully accept what i have to offer to the world.

still not building an audience

so i hereby express with enthusiasm and intent that i’m ready to attract, not build an audience of millions. i’m going to leverage that scale in order to play with that one soul who’s ready to play with me.

i’m not going to make a single connection and leverage that to make more and more till i have the scale to change the world. no, i’m going to leverage the scale of an audience of many to effortlessly change the world of one. just one. hopefully 🙏🏽

how many people must i reach in order to change the life of one?

i don't write ✍🏼 these nodes grow 🌱 all by themselves, so enjoy swinging through like i do...