soulitude

May 31, 2021

twenty odd years ago, i left family, friends, homies, and home town to go to the Himalayas. that mystical mountain range which is the abode of the gods.

but it was less a pilgrimage and more a candy run. i just wanted to get high and supply was getting slow in my hometown, so i just upped and skipped town.

soul child. sole child

the reason we all (want to) get high is to touch the divine. feel that state of being that is in fact our right, but is always elusive and just out of grasp.

i ran to the hills with the desire to escape the mundane and the routine of the world we inhabit. i spent my days in a daze, travelling with friends and strangers with equal ease. alternating between total luxury and abject poverty.

unsure if i’d reached the divine, but sure that i’d escaped the mundane. my life was an obfuscated orgy of experiences. as involved and engaged as i was, with people and surroundings, i still felt alone.

was i disconnected or was unconnected a better word? the higher i got, the more distant i felt from everyone around. despite the fact that i felt more connected to everyone while i was high as a kite.

could it be because everyone felt like a part of me?

born alone. die alone

i don’t know about twins (unless you count me being a Gemini) so i believe we’re all born alone and will die alone. even if we have people sitting by our sides as we depart. and even if we consider being held upside and spanked by a doctor as a collective birth experience.

i’m imagining the womb experience to be much like my drugged out state of feeling connected, yet alone. our earliest experiences are visceral and within a void like physical cocoon with no contact with anyone else.

our last moments are quite similar if you consider dementia disconnecting us from recognising loved ones. thus even if we’re with others, we may be just playing along and not as deeply engaged with life around us.

maybe age induced memory loss is a feature not a bug, to induce detachment and ease one onto the process of death? so we’re alone once again, like in our days in the womb.

above alone. below alone

emotionally speaking, when we’re at our peak, we’re alone. sure, we’re in a celebratory mood and are partying to share that joy and victory. but nobody else can experience that moment but us.

likewise in the worst of situations, we’re all alone. sure, friends would try to help and support us, but nobody else is in that exact slump so, it’s on us to accept that sole responsibility.

so if i’m alone during both the peaks and trenches of life, shouldn’t i be getting comfortable with this solitude? the advantage of solitude offers a sense of calm that helps me better survive both the good and the bad of life.

alone = all is one

since we live in a world where planning plays a greater role than serendipity, it’s on us to make time for ourselves. plan your alone time and think of it as soul time. a time when you are with your soul.

you’ll be surprised that the more time you spend alone, the more connected you grow to others around; strangers or loved ones. and this includes animals, plants and the earth in general.

sure, there are a number of spiritual practices that might get you on this path. but have you forgotten the way of play? think of solo games you can play by yourself during soul time? just remember, no cellphone, this is the time to phone your self 😆

you’re probably wondering where my Himalayan adventure fits into all this. well, today i don’t need to run to the hills to find myself. the hills have come to me, because i’ve found myself.

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